by Treadwell » Wed Mar 02, 2016 1:17 pm
"The fairy was plump enough to pass for a morsel, mmph. At the time, m'boy, not all fae folk of Hibera were as portly as they are now, but this one--one of a very few at the time--certainly was. He was tasty enough, mmph, but, well, he was one of his king's chief advisors, hm hm, one Hiram Ginnis by name. He was slathered in garlic, hrm, he was roasted, and he was the reason that Richard Aengus saw me shrunk and put to sleep, hm hm, for a year and some."
Ahhh, more details!
"But you did not ask for a recipe, mmph mmph. You asked how I made up with the Hiberan fairies!" Treadwell's usual easy, warm smile returns to his face, having briefly slipped away at the description of his stature-reducing punishment. "After I woke and escaped from their kingdom, mmph, I returned home and promptly had to undo a whole mess of problems. You see, mmph, the king had been working hard at telling folks that he was the real Aloisius Treadwell, hm hm, and that led to questions of ownership of lands, titles, my home, mmph, my toy shop. . . and it even led to my wife, Raylan, seeing our marriage dissolved, running away, and taking our children off to Geilston, hm hm, where we are ultimately going, on this trip. I was furious!"
Fingers drum on gurgly stomach in an attempt to quiet the swooshiness within.
"Well, rather than deal with the possibility of my sending in a whole slew of Myrken guards to assault New Hibera in revenge, Richard promptly stopped being a bother and hid in his little holed up cave, mmph mmph. You see, fairies of his type are only three or four inches high, hm, so they can easily be caught in nets or stepped upon or, mmph, swatted. A formal apology was issued, mmph, and that was that. . . until, hm, he claimed a divine revelation from Tubbius Himself, mmph mmph, led to the fat, pink fae's wholeheartedly joining the faith. His half-brother, the court physician, was a scrawny little bit of nothing at the time, and, well, he was likewise apparently contacted, mmph, and suitably blessed! The poor little whitewing--mmph, that's, err, the term for their sorts of fairies, you see. They sort them by colors, mmph, like pinkwings, whitewings, and the like. The poor little whitewing--"
A pause here for the toymaker to wheeeeeze a breath or two!
"He had no clue what to do about his suddenly burgeoning appetite, mmph mmph, and in short order, to the mystery and bewilderment of all Richard's court, mmph, Orin Barrin, court physician, had plumped to the same size of his days-older sibling. Now, what better portrayal of a divine influence, mmph, and mission than for an old fairy who had lived hundreds of years a veritable twig, mmph mmph, to take up vows as a priest of Tubbius?" Hands pat-pat that burbling belly, again, and Treadwell huffily stretches to withdraw a slab of cut ham from a basket by his bench. Munching begins.
"With that done, Tubbius tested the fairies of New Hibera, yes yes. He allowed their food stores to swell immensely, magically increasing all they had there, with his two representatives--their king, mmph, and that doctor fellow next in line--preaching the need to do nothing else but to eat to please Tubbius, mmph, and to ensure further bounty. It, hm hm, took a bit of time, yes--"
Chomp into slab of ham. . . Chew. . . chew. . .
"Mmnd mmbt they--"
Swallow!
"They started to enjoy themselves quite nicely. You must understand, m'boy N'vek, that these are fairies who had had very little to ever eat for centuries, and here, hm hm, before them was suddenly a seemingly unending wave of delights and morsels! All they had to do, hm hm, was merely to eat, to drink, to turn their devotions from an uncaring, mmph, Great Fae to a god who clearly meant for them to thrive quite well, hm hm, to have all they might ever want! By Tubbius's great gut! Every last one of 'em, hm hm, swelled to right merry balls in a year's time! A great many of their bluewings and whitewings--their scribes, mmph, and their mages--took up vows in the Church of Tubbius, mmph. It quite nearly became, hm hm, a veritable theocracy, mmph, with Richard's merely being a figurehead."
A fat pointer jabs upward, though, sudden and spike like and sharp.
"And then, as they began to actually read their holy scriptures, The Folds of Tubbius, they came to understand just whom they were worshiping; the faith makes it quite, quite clear that their god, mmph, likes to take shape as a mortal every so many years, hm hm, favoring the family line of one Tobias of Amasynia. . . . Said mortal body always ascends to the leadership of the Church, and, well, a bit of research and study, mmph, had them learn that, well, the faith dictates that their Tubbius and their poor, poor, Mister Treadwell were one and the same."
Another great grin wraps Treadwell's face. From outside, Gregory's squeak of a voice interrupts with "Nearing Fyeden, m'lord!"
"Of course, Gregory! Find us an inn to stop at, mmph, where you can rest Arnold!" Neck turns back to N'vek. "Ooooooh, m'boy, the number of prayers and apologies that went up to Tubbius the night they found all that out, mmph mmph! Hee hee! Now, m'boy, that is the short tale of just how the fairies of New Hibera became the greatest little bunch of Tubbian priests I have yet to lead!"
Treadwell's great, merry grin finally sinks into a gelatinous, slippery frown.
"And that is also quite why I would rather avoid Saint Thecla at all costs, mmph. Apart from my, mmmm, butting heads with the head of their order numerous times on matters relating to property and land as Councilor for Revenue and Finance, interim Governor, mmph, and Lord Steward, they do not take very kindly to a fellow who is head of an opposing church, hrm, that wholeheartedly declares said fellow is a god, toddling 'round in an obese bag of a body, hm hm. It quite throws all their ideas of denying the self, and restraining one's appetites, and all that rot, hm hm, away and stomps all over 'em! We, hrm hrm, quite honestly and quite simply do not see eye to eye at all."
From the front of the carriage?
"The Smoking Pipe Bar and Beds, m'lord! Does this sound suitable? It is the only tavern I have seen yet, but we are just on the edge of this town, all the same?"
"Perfectly fine, Gregory, mmph mmph! Let us out by the door, hm, and see Arnold to the stables to take care of him. We'll have our lunch here, I think, instead of Swinstead, and I reckon we can stay here for the afternoon and leave out again in the morning. A bit of resting or shopping or merely strolling 'round, hm hm, shouldn't hurt us a bit, eh?"
Treadwell's face lights up again in an ear to ear, jowl jiggling smile.
"It's a town of lumberjacks, wood workers, and the like, m'boy! They are excellent craftsmen and hard working fellows, hm hm, and some of 'em have most wonderful carvings and furniture for sale! And, well, the beer and black bread here at this very inn, hm hm, is quite good, too."
"Looks like a table to me. Do you think it could hold up someone as bulbous as Treadwell?" -- Dr. Brennan, Myrken Wood Rememdium Edificium