Taking a Step

[Caile]

Her conversation with Rielle the previous night had caused more than a little confusion. The thing she'd been hiding for year after year, avoiding the memories and the guilt, had been brought to the surface and while there was relief in that there was also a slew of other emotions brought with it. She wasn't the same woman she'd been when she left, she didn't know if he was the same man he'd been and she knew for a certainty that her child had changed, 8 years will do that. The thought of having them safe and near made her blood sing with excitement but it also made her stomach feel heavy, as if she'd swallowed a pound of rocks. What would they think of her? What would she think of them? They couldn't just continue as if nothing had happened but she still cared, she still wanted them safe and they couldn't be any safer than here in Myrken, with Rielle and Beta, with the militia and even Catch and Jarod.

She worried about what they'd expect, what she'd be able to give them. Things had changed and even she didn't know how much or how or why but they had. That was another thing she'd been trying to ignore but it kept nibbling at the corners of her mind, using the same guerilla tactics she was teaching the militia. It was yet one more thing she didn't want to face and so, even now after having felt the relief of having one secret out in the open, she turned away from this other and pushed it away. She wasn't ready yet.

The letter. That was what she was struggling with right now, seated at her desk with the flickering candles arrayed about her for light, a warm yellow glow cast over the parchment with one word stark black against the white. Brandon. Just that, no endearment, no greeting, just his name. Did she even still have the right to anything else? It didn't feel like it, she had abandoned them after all even if she'd felt it had been for the right reasons. The quill was clutched in her fingers, motionless and waiting, the room was silent but for the ticktock of the clock on the wall, the occasional scraping of treebranches against the roof as the wind teased them into motion. She sat with one elbow resting on the desk, the fingers of that hand tangled in her hair as she battled with herself, her emotions and logic. Having them here meant they would be safe, but it also meant that she would have to face up to her mistakes, admit to making the wrong decision. Renea did not like to admit to failure, the fact that she'd admitted to having made a mistake with the book to Agnieszka was a miracle the chairwoman didn't have the knowledge to appreciate. It had been an olive branch refused.

Brandon. The word glared at her accusingly. How to continue? What could she possibly say next? Should she try to apologize? Should she just move on to facts and ignore everything else? She let out a frustrated sigh and the fingers in her hair tightened into a fist. She wanted to throw something but resisted the urge, it wouldn't help and would just leave a mess for her to clean afterwards, best to resist than curse her folly after the fact. Maybe she really was changing if she was capable of even that much forethought.

I spoke with Rielle. The pen scratched across the parchment leaving glossy black in its wake and then paused once again. Their conversation had been good and had gone some ways towards healing but there was still a lot of hurt lingering. Her rational mind, that tiny little voice that occasionally called out as if from a deep well, told her she was being silly, oversensitive. It was easy to ignore that voice, small as it was but right now with her defenses having been so recently breached, feeling vulnerable and open it was harder to brush those thoughts aside. She knew she was being irrational in her anger and hurt, knew Rielle hadn't abandoned her but that didn't make the hurt any less, it didn't make the anger go away.

The clock on the wall chimed softly with the new hour and one of the candle flames guttered and then extinguished with a sudden breeze. Renea blinked at the dimming of the light and looked up from the letter and her thoughts, the quill set aside momentarily as she touched the still burning wick of one of the other candles to the one that had blown out until it caught. The flame grew and then twinned, the candle replaced and she once again took up the quill and began to write.

We can talk, if you like, in person. I imagine there is a lot to say. I've settled in Myrken, been here for a little more than 6 months now and don't see myself moving on. Turns out Rielle has been living her for awhile now, and Beta showed up shortly after I did. I've got a good position here. She had to pause to dip the quill into the ink, the words fading into grey towards the end. The hand that was holding her head came down and rested against the warm wood of the desk, beside the parchment and fingers tapped out a martial beat while she thought, in time with the ceaseless ticktockticktock of the wall clock. Outside it was blacker than pitch which made the soft warmth of the candlelight all the more comforting, but even that comfort didn't make this process any easier for her.

It's safe here. She wrote those words and paused. She hadn't even decided if she was going to send the letter and still the writing of it was painful, confusing. Did she want to be a part of their lives? Yes. No. She didn't deserve it, she was a horrible mother -- Just look at Jarod -- relationships were scary they left her open to being hurt. She didn't know how to deal with pain, the emotional kind anyway, she didn't know how to tolerate it. No it was too much to ask. Too much to ask of him, too much to ask of herself. She dropped the quill, uncaring of the ink that spotted the wood and held the edge of the letter to the flickering flame of the candle. At first it just licked at the parchment, tickling along the edges until it caught and fed and then grew. She held the letter as the flame devoured the words, boiling the ink and blackening the pristine white spaces between the words. The burning page curled and the heat began to reach for her hand, the flames moving higher and higher until she could no longer hold it and let it drop to the floor. Shadows danced along the wall, mocking things until, all having been consumed, the flames guttered like the candle had previously and vanished leaving ash in its wake.

She looked back to the desk, a fresh white sheet lay where the letter had once been and a small pool of ink had dripped from the tip of the quill, a pool mirroring the night outside. Life shouldn't be this hard were the words that formed in her mind and then that voice, soft and far away whispered it was only hard because she was making it so. She didn't want to hear that, even from herself. She didn't want it to be true and so rather than listen she became angry, grabbing the inkwell and dashing it against the wall opposite where it shattered and sprayed ink into meaningless shapes and splotches, rivulets running down the wall. It was a meaningless action, an impulse, but the anger shattered too and she was left feeling empty and drained. Tired. She sighed and dropped her face into her hands, a curtain of long brown hair falling forward to shade her from the flickering candlelight. If this was war the decision would be easy. She didn't run from what was hard when she was in battle, she made the decisions that needed to be made, the right ones, not the ones she wanted to make. She didn't understand why life was so different.

She sat like that for what seemed like hours but was in actual fact only minutes and then seemed to come to a decision. She stood suddenly and retrieved another inkwell, sat herself back at the desk and began to write. This time she didn't stop until the letter was finished, and only then she paused long enough for the ink to dry before folding it into an envelope which she sealed with the image of a sun. In the morning she'd deliver it to Rielle and ask her to send it on. For now though she felt as if she'd been fighting for hours and was exhausted. N'vek would arrive early in the morning as he always did and Renea needed to get some sleep before that happened. She stood and blew out the candles, saving only one to light her way to her room where she collapsed into bed, not even bothering to undress.

In the study the letter sat in the dark on the desk, just waiting.

Brandon,

There's a lot to say and this isn't the best place to be saying it. I seem to have found myself a home, I've actually been here for more than half a year so far and I don't have any plans to leave. I've got a good position here and it's safe. Rielle and Beta are even here which was a bit of a surprise.

Look, I know hearing from me must be a shock for you, but I had a long talk with Rielle last night and it made me think. There's a place for you both here, if you want it. I don't know what will happen if you decide to come, I can't guaranty anything and I know it's been a really long time...Like I said, there's a lot to talk about but, basically, you're welcome here. If you want.

I've enclosed a map and since Rielle said she knows where you are I've asked her to send this on to you.

I hope I'd like it if It would be really nice to see you again, but I would understand if you didn't want to come. Either way I wish the best for you both.

Ren.