Plague of Prosimians

[Thall]

*A poster slapped across a broadside board reads:*

PLAGUE OF HAL-ULTAN MONKEYCATS

It seems Myrken Wood would be under siege by dozens of small, furry creatures described as Hal-ultan Monkey Cats, or better known as lemurs. These grey and brown, cat-sized critters bear striped tail, not much unlike that of a raccoon. Normally, these animals are slow to breed and bear only one or two offspring when outside in their natural habitat are kept in check by various predators.

However, a colony of said monkeycats settled recently in Myrken Wood in the last year, multiplying at an accelerated rate due to the abundance of food and the temperate climate that seems well-suited for the little beasts. Before they were a nuisance to local farmers on the fringe of the Wood but little else, until a clumsy oaf and an oddly dressed businessman bearing starking resemblance to our own Councilor Treadwell unleashed the horde upon our fair city.

Our advice is to not adopt these animals as pets in the event that they escape and continue to breed.

LOCAL GARAMOUND FINDS NEW DELICACY:

One of the local culinarists discovered that the recent arrival of Hal-Ultan Monkeycats makes a suitable frying animal. With the proper herbs and well-cooked in its own juices, the meat is said to be delicious!

[Treadwell]

Councilor Treadwell stares sadly at one of the posters, this one slapped up beside the door to his toy shop. Lemurs make good frying food? He shakes his head. Nothing--nothing!--could convince him to try it out, not with his owning Sir'j and the little "monkeycat" mate and baby, all three of whom are nicely fenced in behind his house and supplied with enough toys, food, and fun things to do to last them an eternity. It seems Father Winter's powers to know what folks want extend to wildlife, too!

[Jirai]

And Jirai? Well, there were a few more dead things this morning. Unfortunately, they'd been deposited in Jorla's bed. The poor girl.

[Treadwell]

Aloisius Treadwell stands in the Dagger, contemplating the list scrawled out--someone here can write? Fascinating!--behind the bar. It's a menu, of course, and he's taking time to see if anything new's on it.

Ham and eggs
Bacon
Toast
Soup
Beef Stew

. . . And so on until the end of the list. Mostly usual stuff, until the very last entry, which is in fat, bold, mostly neat script.

Cook's New Surprise: Hal-Ultan Monkeycat Fillet! Only 3 shillings!

Aloisius Treadwell winces, his mustache twitching there above his lips. His stomach gives a faint guuuurrrrrgle of expectation, so he gives it a pat or two and, turning his eyes from the last line of the menu, proceeds to order everything else on it. Rest assured he'll be more than a little full after this lunch, but he'll not be supporting the Dagger's sales of Hal-Ultan Monkeycat!

[Thall]

When Councilor Treadwell said that lemurs "hardly had a brain in their heads", he may have spoken too soon. Though simple creatures, they were certainly wily and definately noticing poachers taking their numbers off to some fate -- alternatively pets or for food. Or perhaps both.

Amongst themselves, they conferred in the secret language of beasts and they would soon outwit those who would come to harm and eat them. Meanwhile, in the safe comfort of his pen, Sir`j watched as several lemurs gathered around the outer perimeter, wanting to know the secret to dealing with these upright, hairless monkeys that were being so problematic for them. Of course, being a family animal now, Sir`j really wanted nothing to do with the Great Lemur Rebellion of Myrken Wood.

Elsewhere, Haar was busying trapping them and attempting to unload them on neighboring towns to keep as pets and hopefully in isolation of each other. Two lemurs for seven shillings was the bid, as he knew the animals often went crazy without a friend. You had to buy both, or no lemur at all!

The savages were getting restless though, and soon they would either leave town or take it over completely. The humans and demi-humans had the advantage of numbers in this war, but the lemurs had... well, lemury skills that they could use to outrun and outwit their potential predators.

[Treadwell]

Good Sir'j. Very good Sir'j. Treadwell, noticing the lemur's love for the home life by now, would be quite pleased.

[Thall]

PLAGUE GROWS TO ENORMOUS PROPORTIONS:

The Mess of Monkey-Cats

Locals of Myrken Wood have likely noticed that the number of lemurs is increasing rapidly. Even faster than local "lemur" expert and farmer, Aereymus Haar stated they should. Some odd magic is at foot here as the animals are reproducing 2 for 1 for every lemur either captured or slaughtered for food. Given that about 20 lemurs are captured a day, that means 40 more appear the next day. Current consensus state that there is about 1000 lemurs as of this writing. If this does not stop, the town will soon be overrun completely by the plucky prosimians and we will be bowing to them as our lords and masters!

....It's IN EPIPHANIES PEOPLE!!!!

*Editors Note: Columnist Jer Osburr will no longer be writing for this paper.*